All the Times
by drakontion
Summary: A darker version of Kaidan. What if he was meant to be with Shepard, but it never happened? What if instead of becoming stronger, he became harder? All the times Kaidan Alenko had to leave Commander Shepard, even if he didn't realise it.
1. Chapter 1

The summer that Kaidan turned six was the best he could remember. Both mommy and daddy were home, and everything was great. They'd been here for the longest he could ever remember. Maybe he could even make a friend. He was used to playing by himself, he made up stories about spaceships and the stars and saving the galaxy all the time. But it would be nice to have someone to play with…

By far Kaidan's most favorite place was the group that mommy took him to every day. It had toys, and games, and other kids to play with. There was a rest area where they took naps, and a huge screen where they could watch vids. Of course it wasn't all perfect, his mommy stayed and talked to other mommies and kept an eye on him, but it was still great.

That was where he was now, in a corner, surrounded by plastic blocks of all sizes and colors. He was diligently building, a spaceship this time, frowning in concentration, when the door opened and another mommy walked in. He looked up briefly, saw the mommy was carrying a little girl, and dismissed them. He was just at the tricky part of getting the wings to stick but they always fell off…

Carmel Alenko was the first to greet the newcomers. Putting on her best smile, she welcomed them to the group, cooing over the little girl, who squirmed at the attention. Her mother let her go, and she immediately scurried off to play with toys, while the adults settled on a sofa and talked over coffee.

Kaidan scowled as the little girl approached him and clung onto his block. She plonked herself down in front of his spaceship and watched him with wide eyes, sucking on her thumb. He glanced up at his mother, who smiled encouragingly at him, and continued to build. In the background he could hear the mommies talking, but he tuned them out.

…"she's a beautiful little girl, such gorgeous big blue eyes. I love how you've put her hair up! How old?"

"Just turned three."

"Oh, that's a great age. They're really responsive then!"

"I think the term you're looking for there is 'destructive'."

They all laughed, and started comparing stories.

He had started putting the wing in place and had discovered that if he concentrated just _so_, he could make it stick better. So he did, holding his breath as he gently placed the wing on the body of his spaceship, anchoring it with a block and just a hint of that funny blue sticky stuff that he could make. He heard an "ooooh" from his audience and looked up, concentration broken. And then the wing snapped off, again, and he threw his block down in disgust.

"Why'd you do that?" he demanded. "It's broke now. Your fault!"

"Not!" said his tormenter.

"Is!"

"Not!" she replied, lip starting to quiver (what he could see of it behind her thumb, anyway).

Alarmed at her incipient tears, Kaidan looked up at his mommy, who hadn't noticed anything yet. He sighed. "Okay, okay. Not your fault. Okay?"

She sniffed, and nodded. At least she wasn't crying. He started to fix the broken wing. There was a block missing. He was sure it was just here…

"Here go."

He looked up. She was holding the block he needed out to him. He looked at it, then at her, then at his spaceship. She was annoying, but he did have to make his spaceship… He sighed and accepted the block. "Thank you."

She smiled up at him and scooted in closer, pointing with one small pudgy finger at where it should go. "Here!"

So he put it there, and it fit. He grinned down at her, and they settled down to rebuild his spaceship.

"'M Kaidy," he said to her, pointing at himself. "What's your name?"

She removed her thumb from her mouth and considered him seriously. "Din-en."

"That's a funny name."

"Is not. Is my name."

"Okay," he shrugged. "Din-en."

She sucked on her thumb for a bit, watching him.

"You shiny."

"No I'm not."

"Were!"

"Oh. Yeah. But it's secret, okay?"

She grinned. "Okay!"

Together they fixed the wings onto his ship, and she "oooohed" again appreciatively as he concentrated just _so_ again to make them stick on better this time. They admired their handiwork, and he was congratulating himself when they were interrupted, again.

"Playing with babies, Kaidan?"

He looked up and scowled. Before him was one of the few reasons he didn't like this group, Kaine Reynolds, the group bully, and his friends. Kaine was seven, and the biggest boy there. He was also nasty and mean, and went out of his way to pick on him. Kaidan ignored him as much as he could normally, and wasn't going to change that now.

Turning to face away from Kaine, he started making minute adjustments to his spaceship, but was pushed aside by Kaine as he reached in and grabbed the ship. He held it up and looked at it derisively. "Pfff. I could make better!" and he threw it over his shoulder, where it landed and cracked open, hopelessly ruined.

Kaidan sat there, his mouth open. His ship!

Kaine smirked, and moved to the little girl, pulling cruelly on her curly black hair, laughing when she cried out. "Baby!" he teased. She jumped up and whacked him with her hand. "Meanie!" she said. Kaine blinked down at her, and pushed her back. She landed hard on her bottom, and started to howl.

Kaidan jumped to his feet and screwed his face and hands up. "I hate you!" he yelled, and _pushed_ at Kaine. There was a jolt as his hands glowed blue and Kaine flew to the other side of the room, striking a shelf and falling heavily. He stared back at Kaiden in astonishment and promptly burst into tears, at which point all the mommies arrived and things went from bad to worse.

Kaidan's mommy took him by the shoulders. "Kaidan, I've told you. Don't do that! Never do that again!"

He hung his head. "I'm sorry mommy," he whispered.

"Wait until I tell your father about this," she replied, lips compressed and brow drawn. "We're going home. I think you've had enough for one day." She took him by the hand and led him to the door.

Din-en was crying hysterically as her mother held her, trying to calm her. When she noticed Kaidan leaving, she reached for him, screaming. "No, Kaidy! Noooo!" But his mother dragged him out before he could say anything. He could hear Din-en calling his name all the way to the transit back to his house.

He pouted, and crossed his arms, but it was three days before his mommy let him go back to the group. His new maybe-friend was no longer there; gone, they said.

He sighed, but he was used to playing by himself. He went back to building his spaceships and dreaming of flying among the stars, and within a month he'd forgotten her.

Within a year everything changed, and he never went back to the group again anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

The summer that Kaidan turned 16 was one of the worst of his life. Sure, he was on summer break, but that didn't stop _them_ from hovering over him, seeing what he was doing, checking up on him. Even worse, his own mom helping them! She never let him go anywhere, do anything. It was all, "Kaidan, don't do that! Kaidan, if only your father could see you now! Kaidan, can't you just be _normal_ for once?"

As if he had a choice in the matter…

He turned over on his bed, restlessly. It was stifling in his room, so he got up and padded on bare feet to the window, opening it. He leaned out and looked up at the sky. He couldn't see the stars, here in the city, but he knew they were there. Sometimes he thought they were his only friends. The only ones that stayed, anyway.

He checked the clock – it was after midnight. Dammit, he was bored! Outside he could hear the noises of the city – exciting, forbidden noises. Ones he'd give just about anything to experience, even for a little bit.

He paused, considering. His mom should be asleep by now. He grinned to himself. Hell yeah!

Stealthily, he dressed, and carrying his shoes, tip toed down the stairs and out the front door. Using the shadows, he slunk out of their yard and onto the street, hailing the first cab he found and directing it into the lights of the city.

Unfortunately he failed to reckon on the prices of cabs, so when his credits ran out he was stuck in what seemed to be a fairly unsavory district. Streetlights flickered onto the street. Several dingy cafes spilled light onto the pavement, illuminating debris. He shrugged, and wandered into the nearest and ordered himself a coffee and a sandwich.

The dispenser handed him his cup and he sat in a dark booth in the corner to watch the other patrons. For the most part, they seemed tired and dingy, much like their surroundings. Their overheard conversations were equally dull and depressing.

"…thinkin' of getting out to the colonies. Fresh air, dirt to play in. Maybe have a family…"

"…hear about the latest skirmish with the Batarians? I hear they overran another ship…"

"…damn mercenaries, I swear to God it's like we went back to the Dark Ages…"

"…and those kids, someone oughta do something about them, blight on society, causing trouble…"

He rolled his eyes. Whatever.

The waitress arrived with his sandwich, which looked limp and uninteresting. Placing it on his table, she put a hand on her hip. "That'll be 5 all up love."

He blinked. Damn! "Ahhh... okay. Lemme just…"

He took a final swig of his coffee, then with a flick of his wrist spilled the rest of it across the table. The waitress jumped back and cursed, and he leapt up and ran for the door. Grinning, he wrenched it open and jumped down onto the sidewalk, hearing a chorus of "damn kids!" behind him.

Laughing, he headed off round the corner at top speed, only to be brought up short, literally, as he collided with someone and was bounced back onto his ass. He looked up at what appeared to be a gang of local toughs. Crap.

The leader, who he had collided with, was a youth of about his own age, tall and reasonably muscled. He was flanked by two more of his cronies, and hovering behind them was a girl. All of them were looking at him with varying degrees of annoyance.

The leader folded his arms and glared down at Kaidan. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

Kaidan sighed. "Nothing. Sorry. I'll just leave." He made to get up, but was pushed back down again.

The leader leaned over him, grinning. "Uh uh, asshole, I don't think so. You're on our turf now. I'll say when you leave."

Kaidan clenched his fists. He would _not_ use biotics. Not now. He grimaced, and the thugs laughed to each other.

"Aw, little baby's gonna cry!"

The girl sauntered into full view. "Give it up Curt. Leave him be." She stood between them, hands on hips. The leader, Curt, glared at her. "Fuck off and stop talking where you shouldn't be, bitch."

She grinned at him. "Make me."

He grunted and swung a punch at her. Suddenly she wasn't there, but a foot connected with the back of his knee and he crashed to the ground. Kaidan blinked as she danced around the fallen Curt and sucker punched the guy to the left in the stomach, leaving him heaving and spewing onto the sidewalk. She sidestepped the mess neatly, laughing as she spun around and kicked the other one solidly between the legs. Kaidan winced and his legs crossed in sympathy as the thug groaned and collapsed.

She moved next to him and offered her hand. "Come on, newb, let's go."

Her hand was dry and rough as he grasped it and got up. She tugged him in the opposite direction, and, laughing, ran off down the alleyway.

Kaidan spared one look back at his would-be assailants, who were still sprawled in various attitudes across the sidewalk, flipped them a bird, and ran off after her.

She was waiting for him on the next corner, under the light. "You gotta move faster than that, boy," she said as he approached. Under the light she was younger than he had first thought: 14, he guessed. She was skinny, with wide set blue eyes and a mop of lank, curly black hair. Her upper teeth were slightly protuberant and she had a dusting of freckles across pale skin. Her clothing was shabby and frayed, utilitarian but clean, and her hands and face seemed clean also.

"Hey, uh, thanks," he said.

She waved him off. "S'nothing." She started walking down the street. He followed her.

"So what's your name?" he asked her.

She eyed him, considering. "Jinny," she replied.

"I'm Ka-" shit, not my real name! "-Kaine," he said, remembering a bully from his past.

She grinned. "Okay Ka-Kaine," she mocked. He flushed.

"So who were they? Those guys you were with?"

Jinny shrugged dismissively. "Just a buncha idiots I move with. Call themselves the Tenth Street Reds. Wastes of time, but a girl's gotta stay somewhere."

He looked at her in astonishment. "You _live_ with those guys? Where are your folks?"

Her voice was flat. "Dead."

He winced. "Oh. I'm sorry." They walked along in silence for a bit. "My dad's dead too," he shared.

"Really?" she looked at him sideways. "How did he cark it?"

"He was in the Alliance. Ship got blown up by Batarians." He still remembered the message they received, and his mom's crying afterwards…

"Whoa. That's rough. My folks died in a shuttle crash when I was three."

"I'm sorry," Kaidan offered.

"Nah, it's okay. I don't remember them much. Don't miss what you don't remember, right?" she laughed, but he could see the sides of her eyes tightening.

"So how'd you end up here then?" he asked.

"After my folks died I was put in foster care. I hated it. I ran away when I was eight. Went out on the streets. Hooked up with some people to live, taught me how to survive. Met up with Curt and his crew a couple of years ago, been running with them since. They push, but they're alright really."

He grunted. "I'll take your word for it."

She laughed. "Well, they're alright when they know they can't beat you. So how did you end up here? You went out looking for trouble or something?"

Kaidan groaned. "No…" And without thinking about it he opened up to her, started telling her everything. About how his mom was stifling and overprotective, about how adrift he felt since his dad died, about his biotics, about _them_. She was an attentive listener, so he kept talking. She got him to show her his biotics, nothing flashy, just a couple of pushes that he'd had figured out since he was little. _That_ fascinated her. Shyly, she touched the glowing blue aura around his hands and giggled. "That tingles!"

He talked about living with eezo exposure, his biotics, what he had learned he could and couldn't do. She was incredibly accepting. "That could be useful," she said. She soaked up all his stories and asked for more.

In return, she gave him tips on self defense, laughing as she demonstrated moves around him. She was light and lithe, all shadows and dancing, but she fought dirty. "You gotta use what you got," was all she said when he half-heartedly complained at the third incredibly sharp elbow to his ribs in under a minute.

Before they knew it, it was just before dawn, and they had wound up sitting in an empty doorway across the road from a bakery. His stomach rumbled noisily as the aroma of fresh cooked bread drifted across to them. Jinny giggled.

"Hungry, boy? Wait here." And she darted off across the street, ducking into the bakery only to return a short time later with a couple of loaves of bread. Grinning, she handed him one and stood expectantly waiting.

Kaidan was shocked. That was probably the first act of petty thievery he'd ever seen. He opened his mouth to say something, but caught the look in her eye as she watched him. He thought she was trying to _impress_ him or something. He coughed, and took the loaf instead. "Hey thanks, you're alright."

She blushed. "Aw shucks. Don't go spreading it around, y'hear?"

He laughed. "Don't worry Jinny, I promise I won't."

They say companionably close, eating their bread. Kaidan flushed as he realized just how close she actually was. Her leg was pressing into his. He could feel the warmth of her thigh along the length of his. He could feel the side of her body moving with every breath, and this close, he caught a subtle hint of the scent of her: sweat and hard living and something vaguely floral and undeniably _girl_. He swallowed, and cleared his throat, and looked sideways. She was looking up at him, her blue eyes dark and depthless in the shadows. He started to lean in closer…

She stiffened. "Fuck. This is where I get off, Kaine. It's been real."

Kaidan started. "What?" he croaked.

She stood up, slinking off the doorstep and melting back into the darkness. "Over there. I think you've been missed."

He looked around. On the corner was one of _their_ men, and a car. He sighed, and stood up. "Thanks, Jinny," he said without turning around.

From the darkness he heard, "No probs, Kaine. Look after yourself. Remember, move fast. Use what you got."

"Will do."

Kaidan walked over to the car. The door was opened for him, and he got in. As it was shut behind him, sealing him in, he couldn't help but look out the window for her again, but it was too dark and he couldn't see anything.

Resigned, he settled back. It might have been nice to have a real friend…

The next day everything changed, and he was shipped off to Jump Zero. In time, in a new environment with new people and new hatreds to face, he forgot her. He never forgot to use what he had, though.


	3. Chapter 3

It was the summer Kaidan turned thirty two, and finally, _finally_, things were going right for him. He assumed it was summer anyway; it had been a while since he'd been planet-side, let alone checked out Earth seasons. He'd worked his ass off and finally gotten that coveted "Lieutenant" in his rank. Somehow, stars be praised, he'd been assigned to the shakedown cruise of the brand spanking new _SSV Normandy_. Everything was finally working itself out.

They were staging out of Arcturus Station when Captain Anderson had brought his new XO onboard. Scuttlebutt had it the XO was a "she", Shepard, J., and pretty, and the old man had had his eye on her for some time. Kaidan and the helmsman Joker had bonded quickly over duties, and had betted that that wasn't all he'd had on her. There was much winking, nudging and guffawing all round. They were prepared to give her hell, to her face or otherwise, depending on how she turned out.

Then he met her.

_Oh. My. God._

She had sheer presence. She was wrapped in an aura of command like she was wrapped in her skintight armor. Which, he noted, was emblazoned with her designation: N7. She wore it confidently, like it wasn't even there, but he could tell she was proud of it. N7. Day-um. It wasn't enough she was his XO, she could probably break him in half without even trying.

Taken individually, her features were too disparate, too irregular, to let her be called pretty.

Her wide eyes were widely set, which made her look either innocent or imbecilic, he couldn't quite decide which. But they were the most gorgeous shade of cornflower blue, and framed by thick dark lashes. The look in them hinted of a past, of knowing. When she turned the full force of those eyes on him, he wasn't sure if he should follow her around puppy-like or just fall to his knees right then and there. He knew he blushed. _Dammit._

She had spacer-pale skin with a liberal dusting of freckles which showed she'd seen some sun somewhere along the line. Her cheekbones and ears were prominent, and she had several scars – one across the bridge of her nose at about helmet visor height, and one running down her neck under her armor. He wondered how far down that one went…

She had a pronounced overbite. Her upper teeth made her lips pout softly. He wondered whether they were naturally rosy, or if she had subtly accented them. He thought he was being casual, leaning in closer to check, but her posture stiffened and an eyebrow rose at him and he knew he'd been busted.

This close he could also feel the subliminal tingling of her biotics responding to his. It was almost enough to set off sparks. He gritted his teeth as it escalated into a near painful surge and wondered how the hell she could bear it without showing. Her expression never changed. He was sure he was wincing visibly.

She was short, only five and a half feet – maybe – to his six foot. She was slim, almost wiry; a dancer's body: all understated strength and litheness. She made him feel clumsy, and he started worrying about tripping and making a fool of himself in front of her. Well, more of a fool.

Her hair was short and midnight black, cut in a close mop of shining curls that framed her face and cheekbones and made her look almost elfin. It looked soft and he had to physically restrain himself from touching it.

_What the fuck is wrong with you, Alenko?_ he thought to himself. _Get a grip, man!_

Then she spoke, and her voice betrayed her origins. No colony or spacer accents for her, no – her voice was pure Earth-bred; slightly coarse, with clipped consonants and shortened vowels. She'd made some attempt to school her speech, but he could still tell. She'd grown up rough. He wondered at her background. He'd check it out later.

Introductions finally over, she left with the old man to the comms room and he turned to face Joker, who, he was relieved to see, looked just about as overwhelmed as he felt. Joker blinked at him. "Wow," he said. "Just wow."

Kaidan nodded in agreement. Wow indeed.

They held their gaze for a moment, then Joker grinned slyly. "Did you check out her ass, Alenko? Mmm-mmm, but it was fine. She could rub that tight little ass all over my…"

Kaidan blushed hard, and fled to the galley.

oOo

After Eden Prime, he gained a new appreciation for his XO. He discovered she was a sentinel by training, like him. Inwardly he sighed. That'd most likely mean they wouldn't need to work together much. She was tough, but she wasn't unfeeling. Jenkins' death had hit her hard, but she'd gone out of her way to make Williams welcome to the team. She was a crack shot, and handled defusing bombs and dealing with taciturn colonists with equal ease. Her biotics were superb, but her tech was a little rusty. She'd stumbled over overloading those geth, and he'd stepped in. Then _she'd_ saved _his_ ass from that damned beacon, and he felt like even more of a fool now.

While she was still comatose from whatever the beacon did to her, he'd checked out her background. He was right, she was born on Earth, grew up in the slums, enlisted at age 18. She'd survived Akuze at age 23 and gone on to N7 training after her recovery. That would make her all of… 29 now. He whistled softly to himself and made his way back to the med bay. He wanted to apologize to her when she woke up.

But she brushed off his apology, not like it didn't matter, but like what she'd done was routine, just another day. Well, and maybe it was for N7s. But damn, that kinda hurt. So he sulked a bit.

He was still sulking when the old man ordered him and Williams to accompany Shepard to the Citadel to advise the Alliance of what had happened. Then they went to the Council. And then somehow he'd found himself with Shepard as his Commander, and they were chasing a rogue Spectre, and she was a Spectre too, and the _Normandy_ was hers now. He felt… bewildered. And wondered if she felt the same. If she did, she never showed it.

oOo

Days turned to weeks, and they were still hunting Saren, rescuing damsels in distress, killing aliens, and generally working up to saving the galaxy. It was almost like a bad vid, except that every so often it was him getting shot at.

He'd been right; she didn't ask him to join in on missions very often. Their skill sets were too similar. He shrugged, he'd expected it. But it still kinda hurt. Especially when Williams would come back full of life and regaled them all around the galley table with stories about how the Commander had bounced rachni workers around with her biotics or fried geth with her tech. With sound effects. He gritted his teeth. While the rest of the crew laughed and applauded, he pled a migraine, withdrew further into himself and wondered bleakly if he could get a transfer.

Every so often _she_ came to his station and asked him about the state of the crew, or his opinion of their latest mission. As if his opinion really counted. For some reason he found himself opening up to her, telling her things he'd never told anyone before. About Jump Zero, about Rahna. He thought she may have divulged some of his puppy-dog feelings about her too, but she never said anything. In fact, she rarely said anything at all. She never opened up herself. Hell, he didn't even know her first name, and she used his constantly.

oOo

Then Virmire happened, and everything changed. The easy camaraderie between the crew disappeared. One of their own had died, and things had started to get serious. He still wondered why she had spared him, and not Williams. It wasn't like he was overly _useful_, after all. Now he had another thing to apologize to her about.

So while they were in lockdown at the Citadel, he went to apologize, and found her slumped, defeated, at her locker. He watched her for a bit from the entryway, wondering if she was crying. She tilted her head back, eyes closed. Her face was dry but looked strained, with dark circles under her eyes. His heart jumped with sympathy but dammit, he didn't know how to _deal_ with this!

He backed away quietly. No, he fled. Fast. He'd finally gotten to see Shepard vulnerable, and it scared him. She was his CO, and more than that. It just seemed... wrong.

Briefly he wondered if she and Williams had had a thing together, and discretely asked around, only to receive negative responses. He figured it was the stress of command, and the strain of losing a soldier. She'd taken it hard when Jenkins died too. He wondered how she'd taken it when her team on Akuze died, dared to ask a couple of days later, and got shot down so fast he never went there again.

Then the old man came through for them again, got them off the Citadel and they made straight for Ilos and dropped Shepard off in the Mako with Wrex and Garrus. He'd stayed behind and taken the co-pilot's seat next to Joker. They'd need to keep the _Normandy_ ready for whatever the Commander needed. So they stealthed out, made their way back to Arcturus, gathered up the fleet, and waited, and waited…

And when they finally got the call, they'd let the Council die, and concentrated firepower on Sovereign, hovering like a leviathan malevolent insect over the spike of the Citadel. Sovereign had died – twice, if what Wrex and Garrus said was true. The Citadel was a mess, but it was safe. Shepard was injured, but she was alive. She'd chosen Udina as the human Councilor: why, god only knew, but it was done. Then she retreated back to the _Normandy_ to recover and plan her hunt for the Reapers which were behind all this.

oOo

A month later, things aboard the Normandy were pretty much back to normal. Kaidan steeled himself; he needed to talk to her. So he fronted up and met her in her cabin. She always said she had an open door policy, after all. Pointedly ignoring the bed in the corner, they sat at her desk, and he avoided looking at her.

Shepard sighed. "Kaidan, why don't you tell me what this is about. I'm tired, and I'm busy, and I don't have time to put up with your thunderclouding across my quarters. Out with it, marine."

Kaidan blinked, affronted. Thunderclouding? He never… He looked up. She was rubbing her eyes with a thin hand which shook, ever so slightly. He coughed.

"Sorry, Commander. It's just… I need to know how things stand."

She looked at him quizzically. "Things being…?"

"Things being you, and me, and the crew, and the _Normandy_, and Williams, and…"

She sighed and held up a hand, halting him. "Woah. Let's take this one step at a time. First of all, Williams." She paused, looking up at the ceiling. "Ash was my friend, Kaidan, the same as she was yours. She was a damn fine soldier. But that's all she was, a soldier." She looked at him directly. "You, on the other hand, are an officer. You have an array of abilities at your disposal, if you'd ever let yourself go enough to use them, and you have a vast amount of potential. You need to think career, and you need to think of your own self-worth, instead of second guessing other people. You need to use what you got, use it well, and use it hard. Do you understand me, Alenko?"

Kaidan paused, mouth open. _Use what you got? Where have I heard that before?_

"Second," Shepard continued, "the _Normandy_, as you know, is currently assigned to cleaning up pockets of geth resistance. It's not my choice; it's what we're assigned to. We're marines. At the end of the day we do our assignments, we do them well, and we go back for more. Understood?"

"Yes, ma'am," Kaidan managed. She nodded curtly.

"Thirdly, the crew is assigned to the _Normandy_, and they are performing their duties admirably and to the best of their abilities. I have not heard one outbreak of dissention at all, despite what we have been through. Everyone has done their job remarkably well, and I am proud of everything this crew has achieved. If you have any problems with this crew, Alenko, I suggest you lay them out right here and now."

Kaidan closed his eyes and shook his head.

"Good. Now finally, you and me." Shepard sighed, and Kaidan opened his eyes. She was looking at him, her wide eyes studying his. She leaned forward and touched his hand. He flinched as his biotics flared in response, and she withdrew quickly. "Kaidan, I'm sorry. There _is_ no you and me. You're a nice guy; you're sweet and charming, thoughtful and attentive. You're handsome as hell, and you'll make some lucky woman the perfect husband. But I'd just run straight over you, run you into the ground and grind you in, and I value you and your friendship too much to ever do that. I hope that we will always be very good friends, Kaidan, not just commanding officer and subordinate officer. I trust your input and your instincts and your skills, and I hope that we can continue to work together. Can we?"

_She trusts me_, Kaidan thought ecstatically, followed closely by _she hates me_, as he slumped in his seat. "Um. Sure." he managed.

She looked at him dubiously, and shook her head quickly, curls bouncing in place. "Good. Now…"

Alarms blared through the speakers and the _Normandy _shuddered and jolted, like she had just come off second best with an asteroid. Joker's voice came through the comms, "Evasive maneuvers!". There was a burst of static and screaming through the speakers. They both heard the distinct sound of fire and the whoosh of lost oxygen, terrifying in space.

Shepard cursed, fluently, and ran to put on her armor. Kaidan blanched, and left her cabin to struggle into his. They met outside her cabin, dodging strewn cables and attempting to put out fires. Around them bulkheads tore and the _Normandy _screamed her pain into the void. Kaidan swore. It was hopeless.

"Joker's still up on the flight deck!" he yelled, almost accusingly.

Shepard snapped on her helmet, and turned to face him. "The Alliance will come for us," she said calmly. "Now I need you to get everyone off the ship." The _Normandy_ bucked again, and he reached out and steadied his CO. Her arm was steel under his gloved fingers. She turned and went for another extinguisher.

"Kaidan. Go." She looked at him over her shoulder, visor darkened so he couldn't read her expression. "Now."

"Aye aye, Commander," he said, and he left her there in the wreck of the _Normandy_ in her death throes.

oOo

Somehow he made it through the next few weeks of inquests and inquiries. He'd repeat what she told him, again and again. How she ordered him to leave and save the crew. How he knew she would have saved Joker if it was the last thing she did. How she was tired, so tired her hands shook, but still coping, still strong. His interrogators looked at each other and he knew he'd just given them ammunition against her, but he didn't care. She was dead, now. She wouldn't care about anything again.

He finally found out her name at her funeral – Jinian. Weird name. No wonder she never mentioned it. There was no body to bury, and no one to notify of her death. Afterwards he met up with Joker one last time over drinks at the Citadel, and they shared stories. He left, shaking his head in anger, when Joker mentioned Shepard's ass one too many times, and he never saw him again.

He cut ties with everyone from that life. He worked hard, like she told him too. When he got another promotion he knew it was because he remembered to use everything he had, and it was bitter. But he was an officer, and a marine, and damned fine one. He knew, because she told him so, and Shepard was many things, but she was very rarely ever wrong, and he'd be damned if he'd prove her wrong now.

Shepard was much easier to know when she was dead.


	4. Chapter 4

It was summer on Horizon – it seemed to always be summer here – and Kaidan's thirty fifth birthday had passed without observation. Save for the fact that he felt as though the weight of the planned was pressing down on him personally.

Kaidan had signed up for the dream, but his heart was in space. Every moment he spent on assignment on this festering colonial mudball he begrudged. But he did it anyway, because he was a marine, and an officer, and in for the career, and that's what you did.

He didn't like the lack of respect his rank got him out here. He'd worked hard for that rank, dammit, survived the inquests and court hearings after the death of Shepard and the _Normandy_, and had come out promoted. He didn't like the colonists he was forced to endure, as he did their sneers and antipathy. He didn't like being constantly second guessed by them. Especially when their suspicions were perfectly correct.

He was not here for their benefit, their security. These people had turned their back on the Alliance, the one constant in his life, the one thing that kept his back straight and his path true. They no longer deserved the Alliance's support and protection.

Kaidan was here to spy on his dead Commander.

So he endured their ill-disguised contempt and hostility with gritted teeth, and went about his ostensible duties in getting the GARDIAN lasers up and running. Every day he'd calibrate them and tweak their settings, and every night he'd remotely sabotage the work he'd done that day. Then in the morning he'd listen to everyone bitch and whine over the uselessness of Alliance technology, and do it all again.

It had worked perfectly for three weeks now. Kaidan was somewhat amazed at how long it had lasted. He didn't think he'd be able to drag it out much longer.

Which was why he was almost relieved when an alien ship pushed its way through the clouds, drives rumbling and whining, sending local fauna scattering and making his bones ache. He unlimbered his rifle and viewed the ship's profile through his scope – cruiser class, nothing he'd seen before. Undoubtedly what Intel had hinted at when they'd sent him here. The colonial who'd been nagging at him – he could never remember her name, Lily, Lila, Lilith, whatever – bleated in terror and he snapped at her to run. Eventually, she had, but by then Kaidan was engulfed in a swarm of alien insects. Cursing her delay, he went to turn and felt a sharp pain in the back of his neck.

As Kaidan crushed the bug in his hands his limbs stiffened and he realized he was paralyzed. He could no longer grit his teeth, so he swore internally instead, blistering oaths reviling the foolish sheep around him, the Alliance for dumping him here, Shepard for coming back after she'd been neatly squared away…

Once he ran out of objectives he was able to notice that the swarm was ignoring him. Evidently once you were paralyzed, you were no longer of interest to them. He could see the bodies of the colonists around him, frozen in various attitudes with expressions of horror on their faces, like some bizarre and macabre game of Statues.

Kaidan's heart thundered in his chest and his blood swooshed in his ears – fear and rage and thwarted action making him strain and speeding his already fast metabolism. His biotics were screaming at him to run, move, _do something_. He could feel the dark energy massing and spiking, coursing along his nerves and through his bloodstream. His implant warmed and started to burn unpleasantly, and he could feel the crackle of static discharge between his fingers.

So he flicked them, irritably, trying to rid himself of the sensation.

Then he blinked, realizing what he'd done. And exulted.

He concentrated harder, putting all he had into it, trying to spread the tingle of biotics throughout his entire body. It was incredibly difficult – he couldn't use somatics, he had no target to aim at, nothing to blast however much he wanted to. Droplets of sweat started to roll down his face, but he persevered until his wrist freed and he was able to flick it enough to set up a biotic barrier.

The barrier sheeted blue in front of him and he felt the oppressive grip of stasis relenting. Even better, it seemed the swarm avoided it like the proverbial plague. His protesting back and thigh muscles cramped and he winced, hunching over and stretching in sheer relief.

Kaidan glanced at the frozen colonists, who were rolling their eyes at him pleadingly, before a droning noise became apparent. Judging discretion to be the better part of valor, he hefted his rifle and slunk to the shadows of the pre-fab buildings, taking cover. Just in time, as a squad of large, insectoid aliens flew into view and settled down in the spot he'd just vacated. He studied them – they were nothing he'd seen before, but from reports and the vague information Intel had parted with before he left, Kaidan surmised these were the Collectors. Which meant that Cerberus wasn't responsible for the colonies disappearing after all. He wasn't sure whether he was relieved by this or not. Kaidan supposed that at least if Cerberus wasn't involved then Shepard wasn't either. He still hadn't figured out where she came into it, rumors of resurrection notwithstanding.

He watched from the shadows as the heavily armed aliens grabbed the bodies posed out in the open and slung them into waiting pods, sealing them and walking off, and thanked a god he no longer believed in that he wasn't amongst them.

By the time the immediate groups of bodies had been removed, Kaidan was exhausted from maintaining his barrier, his jaw ached from clenching it for so long, his head pounded, and his muscles were screaming from being crouched in hiding. He ignored it all, focused on waiting for the situation to change, for something to happen. An enemy, anything he could take on.

Then the sounds of distant gunfire cracked and echoed through the buildings. Kaidan cocked an ear – military grade weapons, he thought. Finally, the Alliance was here. He settled in and waited, listening to the thump of heavy artillery and the whine of submachine gun fire slowly drawing closer. He heard the unearthly moaning of husks, and shuddered, remembering Eden Prime. Then the gunfire redoubled and he heard shouting, the words too indistinct to make out. The sky flashed orange and he felt the concussion of a blast, a brief hot wind that brought back flashes of Virmire, followed by a hideous screeching that reverberated through his body before fading away. Then all was silent.

Kaidan looked around – the swarm was gone, as were the bodies and the Collectors. He crawled out of hiding, stretched, and made his way to where the gunfire came from.

Pausing, he recognized the voice of one of the colonists, a mechanic by the name of Delan, a dour, depressive man who'd been amongst one of his more vocal detractors. Kaidan suppressed a wince. Figured he'd survive. A heavier male voice he didn't recognize responded, followed by a distinctive flanging, metallic one he hadn't heard for over two years. Garrus, here? That meant…

On cue, her voice soared effortlessly through the air, accent and mannerisms intact, and cutting straight to his heart. Kaidan closed his eyes. Despite her death, despite the past two years of moving on, he still knew her voice. Shepard. Dammit, she was supposed to be dead! Why couldn't she stay dead?

Kaidan buried his head in his hands momentarily, then straightened. He was a marine. He would do what he had to. Taking a deep breath, he strolled casually around the corner to greet the dead hero and finish his mission.

"Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. The first human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel. You're in the presence of a legend, Delan. And a ghost." He knew he sounded petulant, sneering, accusatory. He didn't care.

She was heavily armored, heavily armed, as were her companions. An older man, grizzled and scarred. And Garrus, who he hadn't seen since after the Alliance broke up the crew. He was scarred as well, horrible facial burns. Kaidan wondered briefly what had happened.

He moved closer, studying her. She looked almost the same – same height, same hair, same eyes. Different scars. New armor. "I thought you were dead, Commander. We all did."

He gritted his teeth and held out his hand, wondering if he'd flinch when she touched it. It was small and warm in his, her armored gauntlet unyielding against his skin. He felt the old, familiar tingle of resonating biotics, only somehow stronger, deeper; and dropped her hand, fast.

She nodded slightly, unsurprised. But then she'd always been good at masking her emotions. "It's been too long, Kaidan. How have you been?"

Kaidan sneered. "That all you can say? You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened?" He leaned in aggressively. "I would have followed you anywhere Commander. Thinking you were gone. It was like losing you again." Calculatedly, probing for a reaction, he added: "Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?"

Shepard flinched minutely at that, and gave some half-hearted response about being unconscious for the past two years. About how she'd died and been brought back by Cerberus.

He stiffened. He had his answer. They were right, Intel, the Alliance. Shepard was back, and she was working for the enemy. He withdrew from her. That, she felt. She pleaded with him to understand, to see her point. About how she was working for the good of humanity because the Alliance was failing at it.

He didn't care. She'd allied herself with a terrorist organization, one that had committed atrocities in the name of humanity, one that they'd hunted across the galaxy previously. No amount of justification could make that work.

"You've changed," he accused, "but I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier. Always will be." _You encouraged that_, he thought, _and then you died. You should have stayed dead. Stayed the dead hero, the Commander I respected, the mentor I learned from, the woman I always wondered whether I had something with…_

He dismissed her, turned away. She took a tiny step forward, but he'd already started moving away from her. She asked him to stay, to join her crew, and he almost laughed. He told her goodbye. He had a report to write and a past to forget. Shepard stayed where she was. He hoped she watched him leave and he hoped she regretted everything.

And for the first time ever, Kaidan Alenko walked away from Commander Shepard deliberately, by his own choice, and without regret.


End file.
